Sunshine Empire

Sunshine Empire Chinese to English Jokes

2008-10-14T14:08:00.002+08:00

Qn: Why is fish cunning ?
Ans: cos yu pian mi fen 鱼片米粉 (fish lie to bee hoon 鱼骗米粉)
------------
Qn: What animal falls down the most?
Ans: Fox, cos they jiao hua 狡猾(cunning 脚滑)
------------

Qn: Xiao ming drinks milk to grow up, Da ming drinks what?
Ans: Da ming drink wine, cos Jiu Yang Da Ming 久仰大名
------------
Qn: Which chinese host does not have centre parting?
Ans: wu zong xian 吴宗宪(no centre line 无中线)
------------
Qn: Why Zhou Jie Lun Cross the Street Kana fine by police?
Ans: Cos Jay Walking
------------
Qn:Which emperor (huang di) is blind??
Ans: Kang xi 康熙(Can't see)
------------
Qn: How does a fish laugh?
Ans: HE HE HE
------------
Qn: How does a prawn laugh?
Ans: HEI HEI HEI!
------------
Qn: Which animal should you look for if you're unable to open a bottle cap?
Ans: peacock, cos kong que kai ping 孔雀开屏
------------
Qn: Why baby don't need to brush teeth?
Ans: cos bei bi wu chi 卑鄙无耻
------------
Qn: Which button on your keyboard cannot sing?
Ans: F4
------------
Qns: Xiao Hong, Xiao Bai, Xiao Hei, Xiao Lan, Xiao Huang, who cannot tolerate roller-coasters?
Ans: Xiao Bai, cos always Xiao Bai Tu 小白兔

Sunshine Empire Ahmad & 2 Assholes

2008-10-13T13:30:00.001+08:00

Ahmad died in a fire and his body was so badly burnt that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. They called up his two best friends, Ah Beng and Muthu.

Ah Beng went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Ah Beng said,"Wah, he's very barbecued like 'char siu'. Please roll him over, and I will tell you whether if he's my friend Ahmad or not."

The mortician rolled the body over and Ah Beng looked at his ass and immediately said, "No-lah, that isn't Ahmad."

The mortician was puzzled but didn't say anything.

He then went and got Muthu to inspect the body.

Muthu looked closely and said,"Yes, it is true he's burnt very badly, but roll him over and I'll see if he's my friend Ahmad."

Again the mortician rolled the body over and Muthu looked down at the ass and said, "Oh thank goodness, this is not Ahmad!!"

The mortician was extremely puzzled, and unable to stand it any longer he asked, "Okay, you have to tell me now - how can you and Ah Beng tell whether it is Ahmad just by looking at the ass?"

Muthu replied, "It's simple really. Well you see, Ahmad had two assholes!"

"What?!!" the mortician said with disbelief, "He had two assholes?!!"

"Oh yes! Everyone in Penang Road knows this because everytime the three of us go out, people always say, "Here comes Ahmad with the two assholes."

Sunshine Empire Romance Mathematics

2008-10-09T11:34:00.001+08:00

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Sunshine Empire Meeting St. Peter

2008-09-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

Source: http://www.jokesblonde.com/

Sunshine Empire Smart Investing

2008-09-26T14:59:00.001+08:00

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Source:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokesmartinvesting.htm

Sunshine Empire Relaxing

2008-08-31T11:25:00.000+08:00

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.'

Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!'

Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?' The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'

The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'

Sunshine Empire Bankrupt

2008-08-27T17:13:00.000+08:00

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Sunshine Empire Get Rich Quick

2008-08-21T13:30:00.001+08:00

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked,
"What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand...
"the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

http://jokes.federal.ro/joke/2430.htm

Sunshine Empire Casino

2008-08-20T01:28:00.001+08:00

One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.

He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed.

Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried.

"Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

http://www.casinojokes.net/casinojokes4.htm

Sunshine Empire Philosophy

2008-08-19T00:32:00.001+08:00

A philosopher once had the following dream.

First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?" To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.

Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and disappeared.

Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection.

After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!" With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief.

The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, "That's what you say."

[From Raymond Smullyan, 5000 B.C. and Other Philosophical Fantasies. St. Martin's Press, 1983]

Sunshine Empire Weather

2008-08-18T10:28:00.000+08:00

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

http://www.weatherimages.org/wxhumor.html

Sunshine Empire Property Venture

2008-08-17T01:17:00.000+08:00

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said,"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=3275&id=1

Sunshine Empire Registration

2008-08-16T13:55:00.000+08:00

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"

"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;

"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"

http://www.jokes.net/policeandablonde.htm

Sunshine Empire Communications

2008-08-15T23:47:00.001+08:00

This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

http://www.humorsphere.com/j/94.html

Sunshine Empire Funeral

2008-08-14T10:08:00.000+08:00

A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?”

“No,” she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. “It must be blue.”

When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost.

He said, “Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads.”

http://www.maximonline.com/jokes/index.aspx?joke_id=859

Sunshine Empire Accountant and the Business Owner

2008-08-13T09:01:00.001+08:00

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician said "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The attorney stated "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."

The trader asked "Are you buying or selling?"

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice "What would you like it to be?"

http://www.jokes.net/accountantandthebusinessowner.htm

Sunshine Empire Dog Property

2008-08-12T00:51:00.000+08:00

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.

8. If I saw it first, its mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, its yours.

http://www.jakesjokes.com/joke_16088.php

Sunshine Empire HYIP

2008-08-11T00:17:00.001+08:00

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting". Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job - if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over Rs 50,00,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags Santa to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to Santa, "Ask him where is the money."

Santa signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don`t know what you're talking about."

Santa tells the hood, "He says he doesn`t know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where's the money."

Santa signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The 50,00,000 is in Rose Garden, hidden in the ninth tree stump on the left from the exit gate." Santa says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you`re talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger"

Sunshine Empire Fengshui

2008-08-10T00:53:00.001+08:00

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat

for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I`m sorry, but the cat isn`t for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I`ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat`s used to eat and it`ll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that`s my lucky saucer. So far this week I`ve sold sixty-eight cats."

Sunshine Empire BMW

2008-08-09T11:53:00.000+08:00

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

http://www.lifeisajoke.com/animal20_html.htm

Sunshine Empire Lousy Lawyer

2008-08-08T00:28:00.000+08:00

16> His idea of a key immunity deal involves penicillin shots.
15> Open argument in which he called the prosecutor a "Doo-Doo
Head" could hurt your case.
14> Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
13> In the middle of your trial, he crawls underneath the bench
and actually tries to "please the court."
12> Uses rhyming couplets like Johnny Cochran, but they all end
with "Nantucket."
11> Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
10> Keeps trying to call a witness named "Johnny, the Trouser
Troll."
9> A closer look at his diploma reveals it's from Yale
Lock School.
8> The only question she can come up with during cross-
examination is, "Isn't it true that you're a lying bastard?"
7> Constantly raising objections to the "vibes" he's getting
from the jury.
6> Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he
screams, "Yahtzee!"
5> Dental problem forces her to use short, concise sentences
comprised of commonly used, clearly understood words.
4> Instead of saying "Your honor, I object," he now just rolls
his eyes and says, "Whatever."
3> Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the
"discovery" processes.
2> Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.

and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Lawyer Isn't Working Out...

1> "Nice breasts, Your Honor."

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

Sunshine Empire Blog

2008-08-07T00:51:00.001+08:00

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Actually, he already did it. It’s just saved in draft mode.

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Actually, he already did it. You just didn’t know because you don’t get the feed.

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bloggers don’t change lightbulbs, they change the world.

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Sure, Brooke Mote, 35, of Covington, Ga., knew she was fat. Whenever the single first-grade teacher went out socially, every chat she had with a man seemed to end with a requestÅ that she introduce him to her slender friend! Still, she never thought there was anything wrong with being at 5-foot-10 and 268 lbs. a big, beautiful woman. Search Phentermine pills!

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 100. 1 to change the lightbulb and 99 to comment on how it should have been done differently.

Sunshine Empire Liar

2008-08-06T00:04:00.000+08:00

A young loiterer from Wuling was known as a notorious liar. One day he fell in with an old man in the marketplace.

"I've heard that you are a great liar," said the old man. "Just show me how good you are at lying. "

"Oh, I have no time for that right now," replied the young man. "I've just heard that they have drained the East Lake and everybody has gone there to catch soft-shelled turtles. I'm going there myself to catch some."

Believing him, the old man made a beeline for the East Lake. There, what greeted his eyes was the boundless expanse of the waters of the lake. Then he realized that he had been taken in.

Sunshine Empire Jobs

2008-08-05T11:09:00.000+08:00

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."

The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."

The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.

The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."

The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

Sunshine Empire Government

2008-08-04T00:55:00.000+08:00

Two British men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they each took gentlemanly turns with the lady.

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island - the two fought and one killed the other to have the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they both had the lady together.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they killed the lady to have each other.

Two Australian men and a lady stranded on a desert island both dug until they found COLD beer, drunk and passed out before they get to the lady.

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island the two are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT.